


Inconvenient Truths

by unbelievable2



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Gen, Sentinel Thursday Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-14
Updated: 2014-02-14
Packaged: 2018-01-12 08:30:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1184112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unbelievable2/pseuds/unbelievable2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Naomi starts an argument, and loses in more ways than she can imagine.</p><p>Written in response to Sentinel Thursday Challenges #494 (shades of grey) and #490 (professional)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inconvenient Truths

Blair was in the kitchen, making himself some tea, when he heard her say it. And even as he slammed the mug down on the counter in his immediate anger, he was conscious of a feeling of relief that finally she had said or done something that he could respond to, that would give voice to the silent undercurrents of this strained, tense little reunion. Something that would give him an excuse to give vent to his own anger. 

He’d not been clear why she was there, why she had persisted in her visit for more than a few hours, making this uncharacteristic small-talk about Blair’s new job and banalities about Cascade property prices and the congestion on the Interstate. The way she prickled at any attempt of Jim’s to develop the conversation showed how uncomfortable she was. That this was so unlike Naomi Sandburg only convinced him that she wasn’t there because she wanted to be but because she was feeling some kind of obligation to play nice, although too bitter for that to be a genuine performance.

Bitter? Naomi? When had he ever needed to juxtapose those two words? Throughout his life he would have argued that his free-spirited angel of a mom didn’t have a bitter bone in her body, and he had lauded her ability to rise above as one of her great strengths, telling people she was immune to petty squabbles, her mind on higher things and clearer, personal truths. But something in these past months had been niggling at this proud defence. Her thoughtless behaviour precipitating his dissertation crisis for one, and, after the first moments of group euphoria that day in the department when he was offered a detective’s shield, her studied silence about his decision to pursue the PD as his new career. Perhaps most tellingly of all, there was her changed attitude towards Jim.

That annoying condescension which had lurked beneath her beatific facade, almost from the get-go, about the big macho cop and his big macho world, had morphed into needling comments and brittle smiles. It had been bearable as long as she had kept her distance – something to be expected anyway – but now she had brought herself back to Cascade purportedly to see her son, and it was in plain sight. And for once in his life he found no connection with her at all, just a sense of a bright, shiny steel wall and a simmering anger pressing up behind it.

It had annoyed him, to a surprising degree. He had forgiven Naomi for so many things in his life – or maybe he had just convinced himself he had? Because now this brittle play-acting just irritated him immensely. If she was unhappy with his life, then why couldn’t she just say so to his face? That would have been the Naomi he remembered as a child – speaking up about rights and wrongs and encouraging debate, not hiding behind niceties. Wasn’t it? Or had the gloss he had applied to his memories of growing up with her started to wear off, letting a little of the conveniently-forgotten inconsistencies and lapses over the years peek through?

Sitting there that evening, listening to her vapid chat and conscious of so much more building in the atmosphere, he had a sudden need to clear the air – not just in the Loft but in his life. Because it was his life, the choices were his and he had reached a point where he was as happy as he could be with them. A large part of that contentment was the balance he and Jim had attained in their relationship; an equality and a strength, one for the other, which meant that despite the past they were on solid ground. And he had realised that nothing now was worth more to him than that – it was the most honest place he had ever been in his life. Everything leading up to this had been a dumb-show, and, truth to tell, Naomi had been Mistress-of-Ceremonies. 

And here she was. Did she expect to assume that position of old, graciously granting her smiles and borrowed wisdoms to mortals? Blithely rejecting reality and the real world as just inconveniences to be swatted away, never to trouble her deeply polarised view of life? Without even offering to listen, or try to understand?

He hadn’t realised how angry he was until she said it. She said the thing.

“That can’t surprise any of us. Soldiers are no better than murderers.”

As the conversation had tortuously wound itself down, Blair had diplomatically switched on the TV, ostensibly to watch the evening news but really to fill the prolonged silences, and had gone to the kitchen to make himself some tea, though the others hadn’t wanted any. In truth it was a diversion tactic on his part, giving himself something to do. And as it happened, the news item first up was an account of some atrocities allegedly wrought by soldiers on the civilian population in some poor beleaguered part of the world. It was as if it had only needed that unpleasant little story to unleash what had been waiting on the tip of Naomi Sandburg’s tongue.

_“Soldiers are no better than murderers.”_

The Loft was icily still. Jim’s face had not turned from the TV, but Blair could see his jaw suddenly clench and there was a little muscle dancing in his cheek. Then Jim took a breath and opened his mouth.

“Excuse me, Naomi?”

A flicker across Naomi’s face showed she knew she had hit her mark. Her voice was almost prim with self-satisfaction.

“Any man who takes up arms against a fellow man is clearly prepared to kill. War is licensed murder. Governments have legions of professional killers perfectly drilled and indoctrinated to wreak violence on innocent people. It’s legitimised murder. Of course it is.”

She reached for a magazine beside her as if what she had said needed no rebuttal at all.

Blair slammed his mug of tea back onto the counter, sending the contents flying. He never even noticed.

“Apologise to Jim!”

Naomi looked at him unruffled.

“Apologise? I don’t see any need to apologise to anyone for that opinion. It’s a patent truth. Governments have got their populations brainwashed into thinking it’s all for a good cause….”

“I said, apologise to Jim!”

He walked around the counter, back into the lounge, and stood in front of his mother, glaring at her as she sat on the couch.

“This is Jim’s home. You know who he is, you know his distinguished career. You’ve insulted him in his own home. Apologise!”

“Chief….”

Blair waved his arm at Jim as a way of shutting him up.

“No, Jim, you don’t need to put up with this.”

“Well, of course I didn’t mean Jim,” began Naomi, “he’s _clearly_ a rare exception…..”

Oh, the sly emphasis on _‘clearly’_ was yet another dead giveaway; code for _‘anything but.’_

“Don’t talk about him as if he’s not here! Do you listen to anything you say when it comes out of your mouth? Do you even think about it before you speak?”

Naomi’s eyes went wide with shock as she gazed at her son standing there, his arms gesticulating wildly.

“You spout these things so readily. It’s not 1964 anymore! You are not an impressionable teenager soaking up hippie mantras! Do you ever think about the truth of what you’re saying? Saying it so unconcernedly, like you don’t know, or you don’t care, how ignorant and insulting you sound?”

“It’s my truth….”

“Your _truth?_ Have you honestly held that _‘truth’_ up to the light of day recently? Looked at what it is to exist in the modern world? The military is full, _full_ , of hardworking, committed men and women who do a dangerous job to keep our country and other countries safe. They keep you safe! They get killed doing it. They choose to serve and they can pay with their lives! They are the _norm_ , not the exception!”

“You just have to look at those pictures….”

“A terrible, terrible thing. Of course it’s terrible. But there’s a lot wrapped up in situations like that and it’s not all about them being a militarised force, just that being one gives them more firepower than the people they’re after.”

“Just my point…”

“Oh no, it’s not! You’ve just tarred the whole military as cold-blooded killers who are tasked with murder for its own sake. That’s sloppy, unrealistic and unfair thinking. These are people who serve you…”

“Oh, well, of course, I see why you might have started to think that way, given what you do nowadays….”

“ _Started?”_ howled Blair. _“Started?_ It’s a view I’ve had for a long, long time. It doesn’t take much observation in this world to see how things are and to work out the real picture! You, though, you just can’t, or you won’t. But it’s that, isn’t it, _mom?_ It’s what I do _‘nowadays’_ that’s at the bottom of all this, isn’t it? You want to make the same assertions now about the police, don’t you? You want to make those same accusations that they’re just a legitimised bunch of killers with guns who can blow people and their civil liberties away on a whim.”

Naomi closed her mouth and looked away. Blair, breathing heavily now, turned his head and saw Jim looking at him. His friend looked embarrassed and awkward at being caught in the middle of this, but Blair also saw such compassion, such understanding in the other man’s eyes. And he realised that Jim knew. He knew what all this was about, and he knew what Blair was going to say next. After all, it was about time.

Blair turned back to Naomi, who was picking sulkily at the couch fabric, a scowl on her face. She looked up again at her son.

“Okay,” Blair continued, “let’s talk about the police service that I know. And the one you ought to know, given how much contact you’ve had with it over these past years. Not the cartoon pigs you’ve indoctrinated me about; hardworking, professional men and women who risk their lives every day to protect you and other undeserving people like you. That’s who the police are! You are so far off the mark, it’s laughable!”

He paced away for a couple of steps, hands tugging on his hair, then turned again.

“And let me add, because he certainly won’t, being well brought-up and a deeply moral man, that I can’t believe that you are saying these things in Jim’s presence. Not bothering to address him directly – oh no, you aren’t prepared to be blatant enough, _truthful_ enough, to go that far – but lumping him in with this irrational, unthinking prejudice you have about authority! How dare you even consider it! You know Jim’s exemplary record, both as a soldier and a cop. Are you so detached from reality that you didn’t even think what your words would mean to him? To me? You hurt Jim, and you hurt me too. Because, let me tell you, mom, Jim is my best friend, and … and the most important person in my life…”

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jim’s expression of studied neutrality change, and his head jerk towards him.

“And I know you’re an intelligent woman, mom. Don’t try to kid me all this is dipsy, flowerchild stuff. All this bile is because of the career I chose.”

Naomi stood up abruptly.

“Yes, okay, that’s what I do think! That’s how I regard the police and any other form of crypto-fascist authority! That’s why I can’t understand that you now think the way you do. Why you’ve betrayed everything I brought you up to believe. I feel so let down….”

“Hah! You feel let down? Well, let’s talk a few more inconvenient truths here, shall we? Let’s talk about betrayal of trust. God knows, it’s a subject Jim and I could have doctorates in, we’ve studied it so much. Let’s talk about how you waltz in and set things spinning to hell and then waltz out again with barely a backward glance. Because we’re all supposed to accept that this is ‘who you are’. Right, Naomi? All hail free-spirited, ‘I-speak-my-mind –and-fuck-everyone-who-thinks-differently’ Naomi Sandburg!”

“Mind your language to me, young man!”

“Oh, don’t come the fifties _hausfrau_ with me now, _mom_! Your past won’t let you!”

“See, I was right all along.” Naomi started pacing as well. “It’s about that dissertation, isn’t it? You said you forgave me, and yet you haven’t. You’ve lied to me. It’s just part of how you’ve changed….”

“Are you even listening to yourself? Oh, you’re a smooth operator, mom, I’ll give you that. I think I’m good at obfuscation, but you’re a past mistress at diverting the shit away from yourself. Okay, so I said I forgave you, ‘cos you’re my mom and I wouldn’t want to hurt you, despite what you did. But the truth is, I don’t forgive you. Not really. And I’m not sure I can. What you did, what you did…. Jesus, Naomi, you have no idea what that’s done to Jim and me, what we’ve had to work through. You didn’t even think to ask. So, no, I haven’t forgiven you.”

Naomi’s face was a like a mask of stone.

“I said I loved you and that’s true, I always will. But actually, I don’t _have_ to forgive you for that, or for anything. I don’t _have_ to make it right for you, whether or not you can’t or won’t do it yourself. Christ, you haven’t even apologised…”

“I said I was sorry…!”

“Oh, you said the words, but you didn’t mean it, mom. I’ve been with you long enough to know you didn’t really mean it. You never do. It’s like all that ‘I hear you’ crap you spout. It’s your shorthand for saying your mind is closed. And you know what? That’s a sad place to be, having a closed mind.”  
He turned away again, but Naomi strode quickly to place herself in front of him.

“How dare you say that, Blair! I live by strong principles, ones I taught you to believe in, ones I thought you understood, but I’m not sure now, I tell you! Maybe I’m too principled for your outlook right now. I see things in black and white, I’m clear where I stand. You, you see so many shades of grey nowadays, you’ve confused your own moral compass…..”

“Black and white? I’ll show you black and white!”

Blair took a step towards the couch and pointed at Jim, who sat there, hunched, desperately trying to look non-committal.

“This is ‘black-and-white’! Jim Ellison is the most ‘black-and-white’ guy you’ve ever met! He sees things, he thinks about them, but he has a clear view of what’s right and what’s wrong, and when it falls into one of those boxes that’s how he acts. It’s what makes him the highly principled, exceptional cop that he is. And the man. But you’re not ‘black and white’ – you’re just…. fixed. Stuck. You hold opinions that you’ve never bothered to reconsider or revise, to see whether they remain relevant or rational, or even just… downright _fair_.”

“These have been my principles, my values, Blair! I brought you up to believe in them so why have you turned away from them now? Why are those things not relevant anymore? Why are _my_ values not important to you?”

There was a wobble of unshed tears in Naomi’s voice. Blair steeled himself to see the whole thing through, but nevertheless softened his tone.

“I’ve listened to everything you taught me, Naomi. I have always used it as part of my way to sort out my view of the word and the line I have to walk. And yeah, mom, I do see things in grey tones. It’s part of my academic discipline, and it’s part of the way my mind works, my ‘moral compass’ if you like. But this is where you and I part company, on life lessons. You showed me so much as a child, as an adolescent. I travelled, I saw things, I experienced things. It’s part of what makes me who I am, and I’m grateful to you for that...”

“So I should think!” snapped his mother. “Most kids would have given their eye-teeth for that kind of childhood!”

The pettiness of her statement hit Blair like a slap across the face. He had to take a moment to calm himself. He took a deep breath.

“But I wasn’t about that was it, Naomi? Be truthful here, as you’re so concerned with the truth. You did it because that’s what you wanted to do. It really didn’t matter what I thought. But I coped, and I learned about the world and it opened my eyes – I’ve never regretted that part, at least. But what surprises me - no, actually, it shocks me – is that I see that while it opened my eyes, it didn’t seem to make any difference to how you view the real world. You’ve gone around your whole life with your eyes shut to anything that disturbed your one way of looking at things. If you didn’t like it, you just moved on, and ignored it. Simple as that. So you’ve never learned at all. You’ve just passed through life as prejudiced as the rednecks and the authority figures you like to accuse of being bigots and reactionaries.”

“You’re saying I’m a bigot?” Naomi’s face was flushed with anger. Blair ignored the question, caught up in the stream of words that, once unleashed, seemed not to want to stop.

“And instead, you seem to think that ‘processing’ it all away with meditation and cleansing ceremonies is what makes you a better person. No, it doesn’t! Learning about your fellow man, being in the world and trying to make the world a better place, that’s what improves us as human beings.”

He sat down heavily on the couch.

“You just don’t _think_ , mom. You never have, and yet you expect all of us to put up with the consequences of that lack of thought without a murmur. Well, I can’t do that anymore because it’s not true to me. And that’s one thing you did teach me, even though you may not have really understood the meaning. If I’d followed that principle properly over the last few years, maybe Jim and I would have gone through less crap than we did. But right now, my life is true to me, the best life I’ve ever had. And if you don’t like it, well, I’m sorry to say this, but I really don’t much care.”

Blair finally closed his mouth, reflecting on everything he had just said, and realised that it was truly what he had wanted to say, and what had needed to be said, for a long time.

Naomi walked to the window and looked out. He could see her reflection in the glass. It looked like she was keeping herself under control with great effort. He steeled himself not to rush to her side to comfort her. That was surely what she expected. It was what had shielded her throughout her life – other people making allowances. Not this time; this time she had to face things as they were, if the three of them were to have any chance of continuing a real relationship in the future.

Naomi turned from the window, went to the couch and picked up her bag.

“I think I’ll go to bed now. Perhaps in the morning we could look up an early flight for me.”

“Sure thing,” said Blair, woodenly.

Jim looked from the one to the other, and stood up, putting his hand out.

“Naomi, you don’t have to go….”

“No, really, Jim, I do have to move on. Things to do, you know. I’ve already booked on a visit to… oh, well, you won’t be interested in that. Good night.”

The door to Blair’s room closed. The two men stayed silent for a moment. Jim didn’t know what to say but felt he should say something. He didn’t get far.

“Chief…”

“No, Jim, not now. It’s out, it’s done, it was necessary.”

So, after a moment, he just sat down on the couch again, next to Blair, and they stared out at the night together.

 

_-Fin-_


End file.
